The moment you get a positive home pregnancy test, a million thoughts and emotions might flood your mind and body.
If you’re actively trying to conceive, a positive test is all you ever wanted.
The thing with me is…I have a history of early miscarriage. I had 3 before getting pregnant (and staying pregnant) with my son. I had another one the month after my son’s first birthday.
When my husband and I agreed to officially start trying for another baby, I knew there was a possibility that it could happen again, and that thought has stayed tucked away in the back of my mind.
Our 5th month into trying, the day came. I got a positive test. I was excited and terrified. My plan was to wait to tell anyone, even my husband, until I knew whether or not it was going to stick. And I tried…for about 3 hours.
I couldn’t keep it to myself, because if the worst were to come, I didn’t want to deal with it alone.
Following that positive test, I experienced bleeding for 2 weeks. We were sure that this pregnancy was not going to survive. That was when I fell into this unmotivated funk that pulled me off the tracks of my caring about my health, my school work, my passion projects (like my blog). As much as I tried to be unaffected, it’s something that I couldn’t run from for long, and for the next 3 months, I was stuck in this limbo.
I saw my doctor and had my blood work done, but that didn’t fully help ease my apprehension.
I had my eight week ultrasound, which helped subside the anxiety a little bit, but not completely. It was amazing to see that our little nugget was holding strong, and even more amazing to see that little flicker of a heartbeat. AMAZING. But that fear from the earlier prolonged bleeding, stayed with us.
Even the few people who know our history with miscarriages, who knew we were pregnant before we announced our pregnancy, didn’t want to put too much energy or stock into, until they knew whether or not it was going to stick. It was, “let’s see what happens” until we reached the second trimester — which looking back on, is actually really saddening. And their uncertain or negative attitude toward it, really added to my own fears.
I guess my point is that it’s not easy to just let go of worry and anxiety.
Even now, a few weeks into my second trimester, two genetics tests, and multiple ultrasounds later, there’s still something there. An uncertainty that can’t be shaken off.
If someone is struggling with something, pregnancy related or not, sometimes the best thing you can do is just be there. All ears and hugs, because sometimes telling someone “not to worry” or to “just relax” can have the complete opposite affect.
I’m extremely grateful that I get to experience pregnancy again, and that everything has been going well. It’s actually been quite an uneventful pregnancy, and my doctor said, “An uneventful pregnancy is a good pregnancy!” And I am doing my darndest from here on out to enjoy every second of it!
To finish this off, here is the picture we used to announce that our little dude is going to be a big brother!
Baby Boy #2, coming June, 2019!